every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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