i would punch a child for taco bell
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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