the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
