I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
