Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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