I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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