I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
