end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
