My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
