It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
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Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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