I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
