Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
