fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
