So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
FUCK WHALES
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
