Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
