all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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