Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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