For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Randomize
