did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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