based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it's like iHOP with fire
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
