is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
