I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
