Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm at about main and main street
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Randomize
