all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
this will be a night to untag.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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