my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
