Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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