Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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