i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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