I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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