pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
