thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
