and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
