Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
