the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I understand Curling. That high.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
