Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
