I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
