I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
