covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
