Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
