a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
