My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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