I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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