someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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