I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
