so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
