I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
