Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
