Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
