Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
