i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
