this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
