Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
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Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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