Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Terrible idea I love it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
