You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
im about as happy as oj after his trial
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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