I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
