Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
