so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
