I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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